Who Am?

Before I came to Dublin in 2005, I did 2 years International Baccalaureate (IB) programme. It’s the equivalent to A level.

One of the compulsory subject dreaded by many was theory of knowledge(TOK).

At that time, fresh from high school , we were far from thinkers.

With our excellent achievement at the national exam, SPM and now with provisional scholarship to study abroad, for many of us IB was the chill honeymoon time.

Theory of Knowledge subject itself was heavy, boring and obviously the least favourite subject.

My friend and I were more fascinated by our teacher's hairy ears.

TOK felt irrelevant at that time but somehow was meticulously curated so not to upset religious sensitivities.

Little that I know , 20 years later this would be the biggest and only subject that would matter to me in my life.

I scored A for my final TOK exam essay but the best part about it was not the score but the fact that I put a lots of thoughts into the essay which was beautifully written to my perspective.

What’s spiritual perception?

I don’t have the answer as yet but I hope to understand it as my journey continues.

It transcends beyond the physical realm , meaning it’s independent of the common senses , vision , taste , smell , sound and touch .

AI added that it encompass intuition, ability to feel the energy around, heightened compassion to others, sense of oneness , connection to nature among few others.

As I was torturing myself wondering about my existance, asking ‘ who am I? ‘I come to hard realisation that am simply the body or the vessel. We been taught we have a soul but I reckon, the soul is actually the master.

A soul would have chosen a body long before a person is born for the desired life lessons and if I can choose my toy ,who is then the superior in this relationship?

That saddened me because what is my worth if am just the body or the vessel?

Who is accountable for the good and bad in my life?

Do I have free will?

This mortal body will cease sometime and will be then forgotten.

Talking about being useless.

I did cry to that.

But that was the ego whom I was not.

The ego that has to go as part of the unbecoming and the return.

Silly me crying over the ego when the union with the god is our ultimate goal.

In the silence of my solitude I reflected further hoping for answers.

If a soul chose you long before you are born and if the bond itself is sacred and unbreakable then we must be special.

I asked AI if I have free will since am just the body.

Should I just do wrong to prove that I have free will?

AI gave some answers but I wasn’t convinced.

That duality exists where both free will and soul can exist together .

My mind was wrecked thinking all day and I had to take a nap. Maybe I will gain some clarity after a bit of rest.

Finally, late in the afternoon I think I got the answer.

If I didn’t have free will then it wouldn’t took me 40 years to remember god and remember who am.

The soul would have guided me away from all the bad decisions I made .

I do have free will

I do have autonomy.

And of course with the complex interplay with determinism.

I was exerting them through my false identity/the ego , the character I was made into instead of my true self, which is the soul.

Theoretical physicist, Julian Barbour wrote a book entitled The End of Time.

Hes world renowned ,independent, overly experienced theoretical physicist who has been studying time for more than 30 years.

In his views, time doesn't exist but rather the byproduct of the underlying fundamental laws.

There is no past, present and future but he came out with the "nows" which exist in platonia instead of space time dimension.

All infinite "nows" are already exist.

And the platonia itself open up to infinity from an alpha where it starts.

We perceived time or the illusion of time because we are experiencing the different "nows".

If time exist, we can see determinism/ causality at play clearly as previous events lead to the next from past to present.

In timeless universe, I would question determinism because to me its pointing more towards free will as we making specific conscious decision to experience the different "nows".

Without time causality collapse.

All our choices made and actions taken create alternate path of infinite possibilities.

In physic ,The Superstring theory thought the potential unifying theory between quantum mechanic and Theory of Relativity requires in total of 10 dimensions instead of only our known 4D time space dimension implying the unknown hidden world.

One morning when I was working out in Flyefit, I remembered one strange vid or let say transmission that landed on my Tiktok feeds few months back.

Basically just an engineered audio on a pixel screen , claiming from the future( very sci fi vs lala land vibe)

He was just saying everything will be ok at the end.

I didn't pay much attention to it at that time because it was just bizarre.

99% likely a complete BS TikTok’s vid but on the hindsight , just for the sake of free will discussion, let say that was somebody from the future.

That interaction highlighted the fact that we do have free will.

Nothing was said about the journey itself apart from reassurance that at the end all will be ok.

Regardless of who was that person he respected free will/the law of the universe by not interfering as much as he wanted to be of assistance.

Lets see how this unfolds.

Embracing the flow of life as it is and making the most of the journey instead rather than just stuck on the outcome or destination.

Accepting the humbling nature of life where most things are beyond our control.

Letting go the control and to surrender knowing whatever meant for us will be ours at the perfect divine timing.

I revisited this entry again a month later on 25th July.

It’s my official date of birth but thats not quite right.

Am pretty sure I have been in this world countless times and you too.

The insight from spiritual perception I guess.

After letting go the ego , the persona , I realised that I’m the soul.

I finally remember who am.

All along , I thought we and the soul are separate but we have always been the soul.

“ I have been in this cloak so many times, with ascetics in the desert I watched night turned into day, with Pagan in the temple I slept at the foot of idols, I’ve been charlatan and king, I ‘ve been a healer and fought with disease.”

-Rumi-

I’m the soul and not just I have a soul.

I’m the thousand years young soul.

The soul who lived the many lives before.

And have always been the soul but was suppressed by the ego the persona.

When the ego gone the soul shines.

Something wasn't adding up before, if myself and the soul are separate, why I didn’t feel any closer as am going deeper into my journey?

Another question was, if I opened myself to god then where does that leave my soul at?

I was looking for my soul and the soul is me.

And we return home by opening the heart of our soul to god .

There’s no other being or entity in this body.

Another beautiful remembrance and a life mystery resolved.

And I guess thats what a journey entails.

A wisdom from Lao Tzu,

"One who seeks knowledge learns something new everyday, One who seeks the Tao unlearns something new everyday"