Embracing the solitude- The Getaway to God

Am writing this from Dublin’ Castle ‘ garden, I never knew this lovely garden exist .Small but just enough, pretty and peaceful. The sun is rising but not too warm just nice on the skin and some morning breeze to wash the heat off.

It’s almost a month since I took on this path, prioritizing my well-being and personal growth.

I left my job, my friends and my family so I can fully embrace this journey.

I left the world behind.

I got new mobile number just so I can have internet data.

Nobody has my number. Nobody.

That was my mom' idea. Cute I know I call my instinct as mom.

I remember the last day I met some of my friends, my sistah.

I gave them impromptu dinner, what a fucking salty curry noodles!

One of them clearing his throat repeatedly and his eyes blinking ‘ SOS’ as he slowly politely slurping on the salty noodle broth.

He was even asked to bring his own spoon lol

The other one was trying to save the day but no potatoes in sight for damage control none available to soak up the salty broth.

That wasn’t the farewell at all.

That wasn’t plan honestly because initially, am hoping to finish the term until July.

That was us vs salty curry noodle.

As the last friend eventually leaving,

We wrapped up the night saying it out loud in cohesion

“ Curry mee masinnnnn!!”

I chose solitude

I chose god.

This is empowerment.

What a perfect timing doing it.

Am turning 40 this year, am ancient.

Spring summer 2025.

Isn’t spring is the actual new year?

New year new beginning.

If it’s not now then probably never.

Am afraid it will be too late then.

It’s long overdue but badly needed.

The body is screaming and yearning for change.

I have this feeling that I am dead by 40.

Maybe this is the meaning,

Not in physical term but deeper.

How can I say no to god.

God waited for me patiently almost half a decade.

If I wasn't deceived by the world I would have returned sooner.

Time to prioritise myself.

Time to stop all the negativity .

Time to stop all the bad habits .

Time to recalibrate.

Time to find god.

Did I kill my old self?

I signed him off.

but now and then the old me showing up, the ego sneaking in.

As I observing my solitude sometimes the loneliness whispers.

Missing my friends and their out of the world crazy antics .

But am well aware not even a single person understand what am going through now .

Some thought I watched too much TikTok's, yes I surely did.

The hardest part is knowing exactly whats going on but for now silence is the best answer.

So I reminded myself that am not just simply the projector but am the one observing and now a lot less reactive to life as it unfolds.

So when sad and lonely come saying hi,

I let them pass slowly.

Neither am emotionless nor numb.

Aware of all the thoughts and emotions but let not myself consumed by them.

If the world try to entice me please come back to me after 40 years.

How can we compare the true love of beloved with others?

I again chose god.

It’s not a smooth sailling it’s bumpy ride.

Neither should I aim for perfection .

but at least to give my very best try.

They say you have to make 2 people proud in your life.

Both the 8 and 80 year old of you.

am very sure the 8 year old is honoured.

Not sure if I will last to 80 but the old man surely at peace with my return.

To say am alone I never was,

You can lose anything and everything ,

But not god,

not your soul,

not yourself,

In the solitude in the void, I finally found god again.

I finally home.

Don't be afraid of the solitude.

The only door for the union with the One.

Who been waiting for us all along patiently.

In this life and the many lives we lived before.

Time to come home.

Return and leave the world behind.

Rumi says, the heart is the Kaaba

circle your heart, empty it and surrender it to the One.

Come home