The Fall from Grace

In Feb 2023 I received an email saying that am being investigated by the medical council for poor professional misconduct -breaching a patient confidentiality and for using anabolic steroid. My dealer who is a living icon a muscle god ,was busted by the Health Product Regulatory Agency ( HPRA) and they found our phone conversations.

I met my dealer when he attended emergency department for syncopal episode prior to taking his steroid injection. His body was phenomenal where the majority of us could only dream of . He was clearly beautifully juiced, very ripped physic , reddish tanned complexion and popping veins here and there. The alpha body that commands respect not just because of just the muscles but because of the mammoth works done to get there.

Very impressive to say the least.

I made a phone call to him after he was discharged to relay his scan report. In that moment, I fall into 7 deadly sins,I saved his number because he was surely the key to me getting a hand on anabolic steroid and achieve my dreamed body.

That was a fatal mistake.

I texted him at home , introduced myself as Alex, and he rang me back immediately to confirm that I was his treating doctor.

Alex is me mama is me.

I was beaming with excitement. I hit the jackpot.

Apparently , he was a dealer not so much in disguise.

He had everything under the moon sold in his fitness shop.

He was lovely man, reliable ,everything went smooth and easy.

He kindly recommended me on the right cycle.

2 HPRA officers came for me at work and took me into a jeep. I was recorded without much explanation or consent. They showed me the printed copy of texts between me and my dealer and after they got the ‘ yes ‘ from me , they immediately left and one gave me snobby look, saying I shouldn’t be doing steroid. That was 2017.

I was very stressed , am on the verge of losing my job. I never had any legal experience or solicitor for advise. Am not a member of IMO or Medical Protection Society and not sure if they will even be interested with my case. I met a private solicitor twice for legal advise but didn’t feel I was any wiser. I chose NOT to be represented during my enquiry which was held online via zoom meeting on September 2024. In fairnesss, I did receive some guidance from the medical council ‘ legal team prior to the enquiry and very much thankful for the 2 lovely ladies. They guided me into the process and did reassure me that my case wasn't severe enough that will lead to being struck off from the register by the council.

Whatever meant to happen will happen.

Despite the reassurance , I prepared for the worst that I will lost my registration, my license to practise.

My case was unique and my background was against me (immigrant and person of color ). It wont be very hard for them.

The same HPRA officer presented a made up statement against me as mine, a lengthy version of his own statement using words clearly never spoken by me.

The prime reason I was lured into the jeep was to record my ‘ yes’.

I said it during the enquiry and I say it again

That was not my statement!

Lies accepted by majority will sadly become the truth.

Your display was shambolic and evil.

When karma knocking your door, I hope you remember me very well.

I was offered and accepted undertakings with the medical council - Among the main requirements were

1) To contact medical council ‘ health committees and was asked to find gp as mediator

2) Not to use anabolic steroid again

3) Doing course on confidentiality or GPDR and to write reflective essay.

I was weak and I did myself injustice for accepting the undertakings which were hidden chains really. The 16 year old me will be sad and angry and I cannot do that to myself.

I will not betray myself and my values.

Good luck with finding a GP to take on my case . My hours were tight easily from 0700 to 1900 as I had to commute outside the city by bus. My ongoing lone battles with addiction didn’t make it any easier .

All the details of the enquiry was released to the public which I believe on Facebook’ news page.

I chose not to read it until now.

That’s was all my worth. An open wound paraded for all.

An honest hard working doctor humiliated for making mistake in his distorted idea of body perfection,for chasing the world. A confidentiality was broken but the victim was clearly the benefactor .

If I wasn’t the real victim then there is none in this case.

I served the same hospital for almost 15 years but am not sure if any of my consultant or work colleagues was ever consulted before the hearing.

I was informed ahead on the release of every details of the enquiry but of course it’s still hurts deeply.

You can never be prepared for something you never experienced before.

So the whole hospital knew, I was the overnight sensation for the wrong reason.

Prior to that , I kept everything to myself and only shared it with my closed friends after 10 months .

I lost my dignity, bruised but i braved my heart to come to work the next day.

I could tell from their faces that they knew but only fragments of the story, incomplete truth.

The less sensitive souls threw me jabs quoting what was said during the enquiry.

The dealer/ muscle god received a slap on his wrist- Fined for just over a thousand euros.

In this funny world the one committed crime left unscratched and the one broken conduct lost them all.

My consultant asked me if I was ok.

Our lovely health care assistant, Jennifer gave me a warm hug like a caring sister would.

Hugs dont exist on my side of the world.

Dr Asim was the only consultant who stopped me in the corridor and gave me words of support. That’s all needed.

Simple but profound .

I forever touched by your gesture .

Thanks also to my ex colleagues who extended their hands making the experience a little easier .

To the lady from the legal team representing medical council, thank you for the follow up call. May your beautiful heart shines bright for many to see.

The enquiry seemed like a closure but it wasn’t . What once private then handed to the public court.

It took almost 2 years from the first email I received from the council.

It took 8 years since the officer recorded my ‘Yes’

Imagine the torments I had to live .

In situations outside of my control , my respond is all mine.

May someday I reach that state of mind where I could simply observe life unfolds and not so much affected by them.

Enough is enough and I deserved better.

I eventually put the END.

The job was never mine but simply an experience.

I embraced all my 7 deadly sins.

Last week I decided NOT to honour the undertakings.

Enough to all the shit.

I declined further meeting with the council . I also resigned from my permanent job as doctor.

For the very first time in a long time am strong enough to put myself first and believed I deserved better.

I sent in my resignation exactly at 5.55pm on 05/25.

Maybe theres power and magic to the many 5.

Stuck in the same place for so long serve me no purpose. Just a hidden prison behind the comfort for years and years.

If you didnt cause harm to others , stay true to yourself your values and integrity even when the whole world against you.

The heaviness the thin air gone.

From zero back to zero but rather a beautiful new beginning.

I am stronger and am worthy.

I checkmate them!

Am finally free .

Am breathing.

Do you think the angels really fall from the grace?

Am sure they didn’t and so am, I just claiming back my power and freedom and this is only the start.

Remember my story.

Stay tuned ,season 2 is coming.