The body and The dearest T

Being straight can be hard but being gay is another level and we are often very critical to each others.

Ironically, we tend to forget the language of love and kindness among us despite the already immense pressure and discrimination pressed against us by the society,

Looking good is not just important but a mandatory.

Asians are usually the pariah, less desirable among the bunch.

Even the asians don't like rice that much.

On the good side, the asian trans and crossdressers are highly celebrated as they rightly deserved.

Should we blame white washing/black washing or just preference?

Without the white privilege, life as a gay man is a fun rocky adventures.

Have you ever looked into the mirror and the mirror cracks ?

Forget mirror mirror on the wall.

Wishing that you look a little bit better?

Wishing that you are taller, smaller , prettier, have a bigger this bigger that?

Maybe life will be easier

Maybe people will be kinder to you

Maybe you get the dream job you always wanted.

I have and I did that many times.

Unrealistic body image is common disease but more so in the gay community.

Majority aspire or brainwashed to look as perfect as those social influencers/ fitness gods.

The unhealthy body image and standard widely propagated by the social media and the gay culture itself which is well known to be very much superficial.

The age of pieces was the era of deceptions and Instagram was booming when I started doing anabolic steroid in 2014/15.

We loved validations and social media is the perfect stage.

Living for the Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Everybody putting the best pictures the curated snapshots of their life up for the likes and followers.

The normal less desirable/untouched pics don’t usually make the cut.

More than often we only see the well edited pics of what people wanted to show or portray on the social media instead of the reality.

Some selling image or lifestyle and many capitalising on it well because they bloody can.

We forget the hours of hard works behind the doors which is very important to give the full honest perspective.

Not everything is fun and glamorous.

In time of self doubt and insecurity always remember,

regardless of what others and the social media might say, the real power and happiness is when you accepted yourself as you are.

Its cliche but true happiness is independent of the outside.

If our happiness depends on others we would never be truly happy.

The wisdom told millions times but might take sometime to click.

Social media is not the real world and real people.

Stop seeking validations.

Stop chasing the phantom.

We are perfect for the imperfections.

You always beautiful as you are.

In my case,going to gym daily and good diet were not good enough .

The pressure for that’ perfect body’ mounting as the summer approaching.

The hard work started early in the winter as many would agree.

For majority its years of dedication juiced or not juiced.

I was merely 60kg when i first arrived here in Ireland.

My small skinny frame didn't do well with the irish weather, strong winds, storm after storm.

Shopping was quite a struggle until I finally found some decent xs clothings in Topman.

Topman was fancy and pricey back then.

I would have saved fortune in Pennys/Primark instead.

Later i realized petite men not just in troubled with the weather but also

only sexualised by bi or older guys as their asian fetish, hoping that we would put on some woman's clothes on to spice up their sex lives.

There was a bi guy who came over with 2 pairs of heels and tights, for both of us.

A complete nightmare.

With steroids , I put on mass significantly. Almost 90kg at one point.

Of course i didnt jumped into gears right away. I did the basic, I worked out regularly and optimised my diet for at least 2 years consistently. I did my own research considering the risks involved and my dealer was a perfect living example of steroid done right.

He was a Greek god.

It was a while before i got the courage to go to gym- Bendunnes was my first and then flyefit till now.

It was very intimidating to go to gym for the first time.

I was easier meeting strangers for fun.

I would usually do a 3 months cycle starting in the end of spring. This include oral and injectables.

The injectables were better( extensive first past metabolism in the liver and poor oral bioavailability).

Diet, rest and workout were on point.

Boom ! by summer the temple is open and ready for the saints and sinners.

Did i have any roid rage? None

Did i harm any of patients from 2014 to 2018? None

And yes, I might be reckless but that was my very own decision I made which years later costed my career.

The life choice I will forever honoured and stood by.

The Boeing 747

I was then happy, I looked and feel good! I didnt do it much for attention but the two are hand in hand.

From the shy introvert boy to the one "dancing" topless in the clubs.

But the gains were not meant to last forever .

The majority of muscles gained gone after few months even with the perfect diet and exercise.

Was it worth going through the hassles just to look good for the summer ?

People say taking steroid is cheating but thats probably some of the most intense months of my life . Diet and gym had to be perfect . You still have to put tons of work!

It was hard work and dedication.

Saying that, am I honestly doing it for myself or others?

Was I happy?

If you never hit the gym or a living potato sack then please reserve your hates and negativity to yourselves.

I admires those who achieved their desired body/goals.

They deserved their flowers and credit.

Not everybody can do it with or without steroid period.

In Ireland, the United Nations listed ecstasy, amphetamine like stimulants, cocaine,cannabis and psychoactive substances as the most prevalent drugs abuse in 2024.

One drug lead to many others , but let me introduce you to the dearest T the one and only the biggest demon , crystal meth aka tina or amphetamine like stimulant. The one am fighting to this very day. Very addictive very common among gay community and hugely popular for chem sex. It makes you extremely horny and you can have sex non stop for days even the mighty energiser bunny will be ashamed.

Due to promiscuity and discrimination to condoms, i I was awarded and treated for syphillis twice for my honorable philantrophy works.

All started with just fun until the dearest T consumes you slowly. Some don’t sleep for days some don’t eat and lost so much weight . It is not the ozempic trend am afraid. Some riddled with paranoia and hallucinations. It’s very fun but scary stuff and the problem is it’s easily available at pretty decent price 150e for a gram, even much cheaper in the mainland europe.That could last me a month but over time as expected I needed more due to tolerance. What started as a weekend thing then eventually become daily habit . When you don’t sleep, the brain starts doing funny things taking you to dark places and thoughts.

Its just not worth it. Stay far far away from it.

It’s naughty and nasty .

The temptation to experience with drug is high so mind yourself and your loved ones.

Most of my good friends are doing it and we are like family. They know more about me than my own will ever do. We always remind each other( shades rather) ,to be sensible and to do our very best not to be consumed by it.

To keep fighting for sobriety.

Saying that, drugs will never define us!

We are beyond the drugs and the addiction.

Covid was very funny time and not surprisingly my addiction went haywire .

Being a doctor , majority had to work extra hard and it took a toll on many.

We pretty much on sites and there was no such wfh luxury.

I know pathetic excuse but why not blame the chaos from the funny Covid pandemic.

What was the many lockdown all about?

We lost the 3 years for nothing. 100000- 600000 thousand deaths annually from flu/influenza anyway.

Looking back we surely have to question the pandemic.

Not much left to do during the mental 3 years on and off restrictions.

The only memorable thing we did was watching Harry Potter movies marathon from Friday morning to Sunday night.

Addiction is hardly uncommon among professionals and majority put out a good show like all is okay.

They keep giving to the society but most fighting the battles alone .

Some losing and some already gone.

Collectively we surely can do a little better.

The stigma has to go , seeking help is bravery and should be applauded.

There’s proven genetic predisposition to substance use disorder so be kind.

A metanalysis by the Indiana University showed genetic predisposition among Americans, Europeans and Africans with more than 700 genes identified.

Close the door/ tighten the border, or consider legalising drugs.

Don't forget alcohol and cigarette are also drugs but we are very okay with them.

I reckon there is obvious reason why significant drugs still flooding the system despite strong law enforcement and demand.

I let you think.

For me, addiction/drugs was also manifestation or the false escape to neglected lifelong trauma which subsequently ,consumed most of my adult life healing from.

Poly trauma contributed by my background, upbringing,harsh life experiences, many rejections, self dependency from childhood, low self esteem and struggles for acceptance.

Being difference is not equal to broken.

Being gay was never wrong.

I wished i was abundance with self love and was kinder to myself from the very beginning.

Drugs are widely available ‘basically on your face.

At one point i had more than 10 numbers for dealers on my phone and according to one they are so many people out there more than willing to step up to the job so imagine how competitive and lucrative it is.

Your deliveroo man could be part of the delivery network too, making everything easy peasy.

Let's advocate healthy relationship with substance rather than letting that naive poor soul learn it the hard way.

Some sadly,didn't even get the second chance.

We lost a beautiful angel a warrior with the brightest future at the aged of 30. We sat silently in the mortuary waiting for his family to arrive , his body was very pale, cold, and stiffed , a complete opposite to the person we spent the night before.

Who would have thought the death will follows the very next morning.

'Its okay' all that I can say as I caressed his hand.

Another one ended tubed but survived to tell the tale.

A young teenage girl died on the table, brought in following out of hospital arrest but unfortunately did not make it. That was her first time night out.

All tragedies due to drug gone horribly wrong.

A lovely guy i met few times was overly paranoid and restless checking everywhere in my place making it impossible to have fun. Focus on me! i said as I tried my very best to save the day lol

You heard these kind of stories but it will only hit you when somebody closed to you affected.

Education is important. Know what you taking and doing.

Open and non judgmental discussion should be encouraged as early possible.

Seek help if you losing the control asap.

Consider more dedicated centres for rehab and support to cater to increasing demand.

Mental health and homelessness are usually coexisting issues and must be addressed accordingly .

The Finnish approach in prioritizing homeless housing regardless of one addiction status is very commendable.

Addiction demand pro active actions and solutions asap.

Let’s be compassionate and stop shaming each others.

JLM-Junkies lives matter too.

If not for me, let’s do it for others.

So many affected as in 2021, it was estimated number of illegal drugs users worldwide was 296 millions.

Sending massive love and hugs to all of you wherever you are.

Nee Naw👍

I was still able to perform at work but deep down I felt guilty , it is wrong. It’s a very honourable profession and the two are incompatible.

When the time comes I will let it go.

Nevertheless I did my very best.

Over the last 15 years of working, I did all my roastered on calls ( excepts when I down with covid and flu) and I showed up to work everyday except one Friday after my medical council enquiry when I was feeling overwhelmed.

On few occassions I overslept or mistakenly missed my roastered oncalls( calls omitted on my google calender).

I had to pay for taxi ride which costed me almost hundred euro one way .

Well, we can always find money but not somebody's life.

I reckon, knowing your responsibility helps a lots, you just keep pushing no mater what.

Do you know how hard it is to do your very best while fighting addiction at the same time and put up with your shit?

We jovially says ‘“Jalan terusss!!”

A well wishes and friendly shades.

My duty is mine and please kindly honour yours.

Sabo jela