Sunday recap

Love the shadow the darkness.

I didn’t do much yesterday, in fact I spent the night and day smoking.

I did go to McDonalds in the afternoon because I was craving for bigmac and their lovely bischoff frap.

At first it was always the ‘only one smoke whisper’ that again and again will lead to one too many.

I said to myself I have achieved so much this week , I deserved a little treat plus am not aiming to be very strict or able to come clean easily just like that.

Talking about self kindness which am gently learning to embrace.

Every little steps taken to quit my addiction is equally worthy as to the end game.

As the very familiar situation dragging on and on then I started feeling guilty and frustrated with myself.

There was this voice in my head jeering,saying everything I have done is wasted and am back to square one .

The voice that always hard on me regardless of the efforts or progress made.

The voice that always undermine myself , saying am not enough am not worthy.

The voice not even mine.

I was also unbelievably horny and chances of getting fun on Sunday is nil.

It’s like on Sunday at 7am in the morning everybody stopped playing and decided to go to church or maybe started picking up pieces of their lives.

I was binging on porn like a good man am,an avid fan with more than 100 favs videos on one of the famous free website. Usually, porn is the better and safer option considering the grim prospect of guys left available for meeting around this time.

There just so many amazing porn stars!

A closed friend of mine was so shocked knowing I spent my 100GB data on porn, his eyes wide opened, his jaws dropped.

He was still high from his night out lol.

Rumours have it that his jaws are still on the floor.

Smoking and porn usually the perfect combo for me. No bad people involved.

I met few nasty narcissist online. You know who you are but I wish you the very best and thank you for being part of my journey home .

Most guys doing stuff are problematic ridden by past trauma neglected or not addressed properly.

Your past is not an excuse for your horrible behaviours.

There is not much you can do if they have not done the work the healing as they will only destroy you instead.

The very dark one will even use the drugs to manipulate or control you.

Online dating is wild dangerous place and my best advice is run.

Murife was right for running, “ Murife runnnn !!!”

Stay offline.

Stay away far away.

One tragedy or rather silly story happened when I stupidly brought a bottom theft home who later robbed my Louis Vuitton ‘ wallet and bank card.

He cunningly asked me to switch on the main light looking for his ‘ missing ‘ cigarette but instead scanning the place for valuables .

I didn't mind the loss so much but to have been robbed for being reckless was unforgivable.

A bottom robbed by a bottom at his own place!

Tragedy.

In times of desperation ( mad horny), I lost my guard but that was lesson learnt the hard way.

I felt very embarrassed to make police report considering the humiliating details.

Lucky me, the bank was on the ball quick and all the money stolen replaced without much hassles.

Majority guys on dating apps are bottoms but for survival , quite many as well masquerading as top so they can come over with their sick agendas , either for free drugs, to steal your belongings or the worst your energy with their toxic behaviours.

I didn't mind people using my stuff because that in a way saved me from using all of them myself.

Its well know fact in the community that most gay guys are bottoms and don't be fooled if their dating profiles say vers, vers top or vers bottom. They just bottoms.

Toxic bottoms are the worst of all they are nightmares from the deepest hell.

One guy came over in the early morning but was hardly able to perform his promised obligation and then suspiciously got another guy to join us in no time.

The other guy 'appeared' to be the boyfriend of the guy who robbed me before.

Thank god nothing bad happened but after all the dots connected, i realised how dumb i was and the importance to always stay vigilance and be extra cautious bringing stranger into your life/place especially if you live alone.

In my case , they very likely known each other and part of the gang.

Good on me , there was nothing really precious for them to rob apart from my indoor plants.

Sad,but thats the reality where there are many sickos around just waiting to prey on others.

Always remember safety first, nothing good happens after midnight and only bad things happen after 0300.

The best thing to do is sleep.

Bottom dilemma

So I reflected on the day, a recurring pattern when I smoke.

The disgust, angry and frustration

I said I embraced my shadows my sins but why am I having these negative feelings again and again?

Am I really embracing them?

No I wasn’t really.

In that moment, I said it out loud if the craving comes then let it be and I will smoke but I have to be mindful so it won’t consume me.

As I started making peace with my dark , the negative feelings started to ease.

I ate my bigmac had a cold shower and then smoked for another few puff.

Then I slept well overnight, woke up in the morning fresh with rested mind.

It is our own very nature that we are both the light and the shadow.

All is needed is to find the balance for the two to dance in harmony.

At this moment am too dark but am working my best to make positive changes.

Knowing our very nature hopefully will lead to greater understanding and compassion to ourselves and others.

Fan off the toxic in your life