Am Siber!

Nice granite and limestones hole

Or to the outsiders it simply means am sober.

Siber just another fun word that my friends and I use interchangeably for sober, besides the rhymes,maybe a little gentle to the ears considering the meaning behind.

I dreams and had hope for years what seems to be my impossible dream but never thought becoming sober is do able especially when you messed up with heavily addictive drug such as crystal meth aka tina.

I attempted many times to come clean but failed, I never knew she’s sneaky monster which refused to be tamed .

or rather the veil to something neglected hidden deeper inside. The real monster.

Just like rampant wildfire, the addiction was getting worst day by day and I was sinking faster than the titanic.

I was pretty helpless but life and my heart must go on( yes , celine).

In my case which many can relate, it all started just as once off fun thing , then every party ,every Friday night ,every weekend then pretty much every day over few years.

From a gram of tina for a month to a gram which only lasted for a week or two.

Again surely have to dedicate this disaster to the funny 3 years of covid chaos as well.

NIDA and SAMHS in the states reported 20-35% of people become addict or experience drug abuse disorder following first crystal meth use.

The downfall probably started after 2 weeks Christmas holidays in Gran Canaria 2 years ago. It was fun, funny at times messy but overall amazing holigays with my friends but yea I lost self control and respect.

After we came home, we promised that we will stay clean but we never did.

Big yes to Grand Canaria.

"The time has come" , hollered one of us on the group whatsapp whenever friday arrives.

All then erupted with excitement and euphoria.

The time has come indeed.

Time to party !

We will party all night doing stuff but hardly could get a man lol.

We did mainly tina and GHB.

At least we had each others , at 0300 we will have fashion show and at 0700 we have foot massage.

Very holistic approach and creative way transcending the energy.

Come morning, we will go out together for breakfast still high, horny and now hungry( hhh).

Empty stomach is a big no because one is more likely to overdose or develop the unpleasant side effects.

Once upon a time, on one sunny slightly chill Sunday morning back when I was living in Smithfield, me and my friend decided to go out for a little tour around the blocks for men and fresh air.

As we ventured around the promised land, we bumped into the Garden of Eden, a very busy crossfits gym.

Hallelu!

Hallelu!

Full of delicious men, fine sweaty specimens doing intense training.

What a sexy congregation!

It seems humanity finally restored.

Our non existence ovaries exploded.

A sight to be hold and a great time to be hole.

Sadly nothing happened beyond that but we were totally in awe of the rare phenomenon.

By the afternoon or evening all will be gone separate ways but thats never the end.

Home just to continue smoking, porn and if lucky fun.

Weekend in and out wasted just like that.

Tons of sweet sour moments that I could write a book on them.

It was fun messy misadventures but honestly, I loved my sistah ( strictly no sex involved between us) for all the beautiful time we had together.

The temptations are insane when you live alone and when your friends also doing stuff as well.

The love and hate relationship with drugs.

Regardless, I could have done better or tried harder.

Saying that , am very proud of every intentions and efforts taken to come clean.

Self kindness is very important and the key to sobriety.

It was so easy to slip , sometimes the craving just comes out of sudden, regardless whether I had good or bad day.

In my darkest moments I did have passive death wishes, not hoping to live if my addiction got the best of me.

But there something in me always rise, fight fight fight !

So I fought and this time fiercely so.

Never did I thought it will ever come to this hour, minute and second that I got to be talking about it today from a positive perspective.

If you ever done tina, you know how monstrous it is, subtly intoxicating while masking the toll it takes on well being.

I stopped taking ecstacy and GHB easy but tina is one hell of a demon.

The withdrawal was intense, headache, body pain, few outburst.

Its no brainer to ask why tina is very popular among the gay.

Most gay at the house party doing it.

You can fuck for ages and do all sort of fun things.

It's amazing for sex, you get very horny and can have fun for days.

You think sex with viagra is great, thats boring so vanilla, try tina or better with GHB and poppers combined!

Out of the world !

Forget your sad 5 -10 minutes thing you called sex.

But the catch is that you walking on a very fine thin line.

Over time you see the pattern, one by one consumed by it.

Started misbehaved or acting funny, the lies , the broken promises

the same person no longer the same.

One by one disappeared from our WhatsApp group.

IYKYK- The story pretty similar for most I would say.

I reminded myself again and again its the drugs doing it, I have known them long enough to see beyond the changes and we all still the same good kind hearted people.

We will always be friends through the thick and thin.

And it always the same whisper again and again " Just one puff"

One cursed puff that lead to one too many.

It's probably hard for those never done drug or crippled by addiction to fully understand .

Do you care? would you like to know our side of story?

Thank you if you trying and it’s okay if you dont.

Self inflicted likely as many would say.

If you ever did tina, I bet you will land on the same boat and am sure you will be kinder to those fighting addiction.

I had similar attitude back then when I was drug naïve, sort of judgemental but all changed after I started clubbing in 2015.

I had this ridiculous idea that only bad people do drugs but then the universe said, -Hold on, I was taught the biggest lesson ever.

Many forget the language of compassion, we thought we are better than other just because we didnt commit a particular wrong/sin when the one to judge is the all knowing , the god who knows each of us inside out , our past,present and the future.

Drug destroy everything.

Us, our friends, our family, your neigbours, our future generations and leaders.

Again, United Nation's data in 2024 estimated 290 millions of illegal drug users worldwide

So many of us out there but more than often you have to fight the battle alone.

Sad but that’s the reality unfortunately- Only together when happy and jolly but all alone when you needed support or help the most but we can always find the way out.

Stunning!- Old and modern architectures in perfect harmony creating magic

Am 3 weeks into my sobriety now.

I know this is ongoing battle but am hopeful because am in good place mentally and

physically.

Primarily because I killed the old version of me. Done dusted.

Sayonara!

He took lots of bullets , did the very best he could and I cannot fault him in anyway.

If my 16 year old of me suffered bullying, my last version had to fight everything under the moon.

He barely survived, badly wounded and bruised.

He suffered so much so I remember my true self.

I would never forget him, we made it out!

I cut the loop so I can rest , heal and recalibrated

This new me , spirituality powered, even only a month old but probably the best version ever in my life.

The old version of me did his very best and its time for him to rest and let my new version in charge in power.

Am happily living enjoying simple things in life and be amazed with everything around me.

I trust everything in god's hands, I surrendered .

I lives in the presence and i stopped looking back or wandering far into the future.

Am thankful for everything again and again.

I made many mistakes in my life but this one probably one of the biggest but for the first time, hey am winning okay.

but then if I wasn't addicted to tina I might not found god.

its blessing in bliss surely.

whatever meant to happen will happen.

Metamorphosis

When the withdrawal ravages my body.

I said to god, please help me I wanted to get over this.

Like always, the beloved answered me.

I was taught to be kind to myself , every efforts/steps taken is worthy and not to aim for perfection everytime I succumbed to the withdrawals.

The addiction flying off like a frog

I was doing tina everyday

3 weeks off probably nothing to you or premature celebration but for me its monumental.

The longest I have been sober was 4 -5 days

The odds is against me, 1 in 9 will relapse after 3 months

And only 5 % remain sober in 3 years without proper treatment.

I will take this as a challenge and reminder to myself.

I have done drugs for about 10 years- Started with ecstasy in the club then GHB and then tina.

Thats enough for self destruction.

Wasted about 10K all together .

In return it destroyed but eventually liberated me.

I forbid myself this body this flash from any drugs/substances ever.

I made peace with myself and I forgave those who wronged me in the past.

Forgiving I did forgetting I shall not.

Everything happened for reason and we were meant to teach and learn from each others.

Each of us is the projection of our mind/ thoughts

If I didnt meet you then I wont be the person am today.

And I ask forgiveness for my mistakes and shortcomings as well sincerely.

I wish all of us will have a great lovely future.

For those struggling , losing or fighting addiction or any battles,

We are way more powerful than we think we are.

We are the only person who can fix us- Not the treatment/the system.

Go deep treat the actual root causes.

Address the hidden trauma,

make peace with ourselves, love our light and shadows equally.

If I failed I will keep trying and trying.

To die trying is better than to die without purpose.

This time I fight this battle with god.

I will win, yes i will.

We are the beautiful garden

I hope this story will stop somebody somewhere to experiment with tina or any other substances.

I will be beyond proud if you say No Thanks! Never!

Don’t gamble your life with it .

You are precious!

Love and respect yourself!

Would you like a donut?